2004-05-27 - 6:27 p.m.

the numbers are falling again. i'm in a routine, i barely keep anything down. my stomach hurts a lot lately, there doesn't seem to be enough tylenol for all the headaches i've had lately.

but i can see it. first the stomach flattens out a bit, soon it will be my arms and legs.. then maybe the flab will subside. i see myself get smaller, but i seem to retain the same amount of fat, if that makes sense. i know it's not logical but it's what i see.

i have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. i'm not sure what to tell her, things were so bad a week ago, my mood has improved now but my eating just gets more and more... something.

i get scared because i know the damage is so hard to repair, theres no going back.. and every once and a while i think what if i find something worth living for and this has fucked me up completely? but the dark clouds move in and cover those thoughts so they're hard to see.

i just want to feel good about myself, and be small like i used to be. i had so many friends when i was small, some of the best times of my life **after** i got small. the process is what kills me inside.

but my friends would pick me up and spin me around making jokes about me floating around. i was never afraid to sit on laps.. and eventhough i got bad comments i guess you forget it.

i am 20lbs away from happiness. can you feel it? i can. i'll be smaller than before

just 20lbs. i can make this.

add water - stir