2004-05-28 - 4:40 p.m.

i was so embarassed.. in the middle of my therapy session my stomach started growling so loudly. i guess it's cause the only thing i ate yesterday was at midday and i purged it.

but there would be a pause in what she or i was saying and my stomach would start these long growling pitch changing noises. and i'd look away and feel my cheeks flush red hot.

i told her about the rape. she told me no matter what i think it was wrong, and there was nothing i could have done to stop it. she said i need to quit blaming myself. she kept asking if i'd had nightmares. but for some reason i'm really apathetic about the whole thing. it's like i won't let myself feel that anything bad happen. i mean.. i do feel bad sometimes, but i guess just not to the extent of what she things i should.

she told me to tell her if i start to have a startle response.. and i'm not really sure what she meant by that except for if i get startled easily? she said i'll probably have problems in my next relationship because of this.

and i have the airforce to thank for that.

i hadn't even considered how it would affect a future relationship. i hadn't even considered a future relationship, i'm starting to get used to the fact that no one would ever want me.

and i mean me in the whole sense.. not just a fuck. because as history shows.. guys will fuck anything they come across.

i told her i had lost my hope people. and she said i had every right.

i told her i didin't understand such bad things kept raining down on me and she told me many things don't have a reason, just like my brothers death. but it's hard to believe in that when you believe in karma.

she asked if i had thought of killing myself and i told her the truth, but not the whole truth. parts are good enough for now.

at the end she asked me how my eating was. seriously after my stomach had interrupted the conversation 4 times. and i told her bad, she told me i should exercise and we called it a day.

i went straight to the grocery store and had a b/p.

maybe i should get on that exercise shit, but i'm kind of exhausted. i don't really understand why she wants me to. maybe she thinks i'm flabby too.

oh yea, i'm down 1.5lbs since yesterday.

add water - stir