2004-07-06 - 1:18 a.m.

blowing off my shrink was maybe not the best idea i've ever had.

things are getting way way out of control. i can't stand it because all i ever think about is fucking food. how much of it have i have, what do i have in the kitchen, what can i afford. almost all the spending i do is on food.

and i hate it cause i'll be with my boyfriend, trying to enjoy my time with him and the stupid thoughts are in my head. tonight it was strawberry icecream. that's all i could think about. how when he went to bed i would go to my house and stop at the grocery store on the way home.. buy strawberry ice cream.

WHY??

it makes me hate myself. i had this kind of under control. i was only purging every once and a while, instead of 4 times a day. i was eating closer to regular amounts. i don't know what's changed. ever since i moved into this new house...

i feel so gross. i'm so flabby. i keep telling myself i'll go running, but i never want to go running after i've taken a shower.. and i always b/p before i take a shower so the shower can cover any noise, and it's a catch 22.

i just want to feel more in control. but the purging is my ultimate release. it feels so good, even when the tears are pouring down my face and it feels like my eyes might pop out of the sockets. theres nothing else like it. and i'm so hungry all the time. i know i wouldn't be if i kept something down, but that's laughable. it hurts too much to do that. i get killer gas, and besides.. i can't afford to gain weight. not after all this suffering for the loss.

blackouts, limbs going numb.. you know, the usual. nothing too out of the ordinary has happened lately though so i guess i should feel lucky.

it may have something to do with all the calories consumed by drinking though. i just realized that i've gotten drunk the past 6 nights in a row. maybe i should stop that. it has helped me get caught up in a lot of pointless drama.

do i make an appointment with my therapist or see if i can rought this out on my own? what is she going to tell me anyway that i don't already know?

add water - stir