2004-07-09 - 1:44 p.m.

i'm losing this battle.

it is in my every thought. everything has become about b/p. i used to be able to seperate out working, hanging out with friends, school and the like from b/p. but now it's all one and the same. i b/ped while i was working. twice. worst part is that i'm working for my mother right now so it was at her house.

yesterday was so bad. nothing but constant b/p. all day long, until i hung out with my boyfriend. i've never done it around him. but it's on my mind a lot. it's usually the reason i leave in the morning.

and i'm getting fatter. or at least it feels like it. i haven't weighed myself in a while.

i feel so gross because i basically just let my roommate see me binge. i had 3 bowls of spaghetti, and some trail mix infront of her.. then i grabbed the icecream out of the freezer, but i'm eating that away from her. thankfully she didn't see me make and eat the 2 sandwiches and other kind of trail mix.

i'm such a cow. such a waste. i need to be saving money for moving.. but i spend it all on food. seriously. i told myself i wasn't going to buy unhealthy food anymore in hopes i would start keeping stuff down if it was healthy, but i only stuck to that for 1 day. i'm so useless.

maybe i'll start with the diet pills again. maybe that will save me.

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so i'm stupid.. i finally checked my weight and it is half a pound lower than the last time i checked it. not great.. ut waay fucking better than gaining. the weird part, is that my scale says my body fat is 20.4% which is 2% down from any other time i've ever read it. i don't know if i should believe it. if anything i feel flabbier than ever. oh well.

add water - stir