2004-07-22 - 12:35 p.m.

certain things happened with my boyfriend that made me feel really ugly. i hate that one of the first thoughts i had is it's because i'm fat. because i'm up a couple pounds. and it put me into that gotta lose weight frenzy in my head, but i think i may just break up with him. i can't handle feeling so ugly, not from someone i care about so much.

i'm so sick of feeling so big. it's like my sense of how big i am never changed since my high days of a 23 bmi. and here i hover around "anorexic" weight and i feel the same. my perspective is still the same.

so what do i do?

my jaw is constantly just a little swollen from all the purging. yesterday my lips were blue. my stomach hurts all the time, and i've realized i'm really out of it after every time i purge, seriously fucking up my day because i have to wait a half hour before i can concentrate on anything, like playing the guitar.

i don't know what to do. forwards or backwards? i want to lose weight.

i've been thinking about putting myself on a diet and cutting out this stupid b/p crap. it's holding me back, but i love it so much. and i'm scared of running out of my diet pills, because they're the good shit with ephedra in them, and you can't buy pills like that anymore, can you?

add water - stir