2004-09-13 - 11:36 p.m.

today i kept down a cup of light soy milk, a fatfree light yogurt, and a dum dum lollipop.

i'm falling apart over love handles and the number of inches surrounding my waist. i started a food diary but i'm too embarassed to write down everything that i purged today so i don't know what to do with it.

i've been avoiding my therapist. i cancelled my appointment with her last week.

i'm scared and food is rapidly taking over the majority of my thoughts. i don't know what to do. i'm so sick of being hungry.. i want to eat so badly right now because i purged my huge dinner.. but i'm so fat i couldn't possibly justify it.

i haven't even weighed myself in a long time. i'm too scared to. i used to not believe in being too scared to weigh yourself, because if the truth was bad then it would motivate me.. but at this point i'm just too scared. i don't think i could handle the truth and what it would do to me mentally. how have i let myself gain 20 pounds in a year and a half??

at least i'm still underweight. somehow that gives me comfort.

add water - stir