2004-09-16 - 4:01 p.m.

i checked my weight and i was 5lbs less than i thought i was. my waist has gone down an inch in the past week. these things comfort me slightly.

it's also a slight relief that i'm not just ridiculously lazy.. that the fatigue is caused by my anemia. and if i could just keep down the iron pills i'd probably be able to kick it.

i don't think i kept anything down yesterday. not today either.

i feel on the edge of breaking down all the time. it's been so long since i was happy. and people tell me i'm not the same, and all i can say is i'm sorry. i don't know what to do. i wish i was as happy with myself as i used to be. i wish things were ok again.

my birthday is coming up and every time i think about it i want to cry. i miss my brother so much. i don't know how to have a birthday on my own.. this will be my first one ever. twins shouldn't ever have to go through this.

i want to give up, but i now have my puppy to look after. she's a good lifeline i guess.

i want my eyes to sparkle but, they're starting to look gray. i want to write something beautiful, but i feel far too numb.

and where the fuck is my period? is my body just completely giving up?

add water - stir