2004-10-07 - 8:14 p.m.

my head pounds and i get this ache in my cheast. it's not doing me any good, but i'm losing weight.
and i say 5 more pounds. my roommate tells me i'll be unhealthy. but am i really healthy now?
no one knows. or no one says anything. and i'm happy that i can keep up this little charade.. but really, it's been 3 years and sometimes i want to fucking scream it out. get a little fucking recognition for all the pain i've been through. but i'd be so fucking humiliated and devastated at the same time. i'm glad.
there's a skinny girl in my yoga class who stares at me.. and i stare at her. i wonder. but i'm not nearly as skinny as her.. am i? she's tiny. but apparently, according to my friends i'm like my chihuahua in that i think i'm so much bigger than i really am.
i'm weak and working out makes me feel like i'm going to die so i kind of refuse to do anything more than yoga these days.

add water - stir