2004-10-16 - 9:23 a.m.

i've been in such a haze.

i started working out again. i've lost some weight. my bmi is 17.7... a lot more acceptable than it has been for quite some time.

i'm so tired. i feel so clouded. i really want help. as i type this my fingernails are tinted blue and my arms look purple. i'm so cold but it's 75F in here and i'm wearing 2 layers and wool socks. i felt like i was going to faint until 3pm when i had my first b/p.

i've been b/ping less. not eating for long periods of time.

i don't know what to do. i feel like shit all the time, and i know eating and keeping it down would make me feel better, but it's the one thing i can't do. i'm getting worse. but i'm losing weight which is fantastic and scary at the same time.

i don't know where to turn for help. my therapist doesn't think bulimia is a very big problem, and i haven't talked to her in a long time. my parents are pretty much a no go. i just can't. my roommate/best friend.. i couldn't stand to have her watch me. i'd probably end up just not eating at all. i'm sure she'd also think it was disgusting that i've been puking in our toilet.

fuck.. i'm crying. i haven't cried about my eating in over a year. i've just been so numb about it.. but it's all become so hopeless. and the thought of telling my best friend... i guess it tipped me over the edge.

what do i do?

add water - stir