2004-10-24 - 12:56 p.m.

A few days ago I bought a half gallon of icecream, which I ate in about 14hours. Today my roommate (also my best friend) asks me where my icecream went and I told her I ate it. And then she says "how do you do it?.. tell me your secret!" and went on like that for a little bit, and then she said "did you throw it up?"

And I hid my face.. because I couldn't bare to lie to her, she is my best friend. And we ended up having a talk about it. She says she knew.. she had a feeling. I eat so much and stay "so small", there was stuff in the toilet . She says it comes up weekly in conversations with our friends how skinny I am.

I told her my dilemma with my shrink. How I don't know what to do. She wants me to stop.. but I'm not sure if I'm ready.

I called my therapist and told her things were getting worse and asked for a referral. She told me that there are so few people who treat eating disorders in town that most of them don't take new clients, she did refer me to a psychiatrist so I can start on some meds and see what she thinks, and at this point I told my T that I would recontinue with her.. although I haven't made an appointment yet. When I called the psychiatrist her secretary wasn't sure if she's taking new patients so I have to wait to find out.

My therapist also said that because of my long history it would probably be benificial to go to residential possibly this christmas break or next summer when I have time off from school. I just kind of said "umm.. ok" cause I'm trying to do this all without my parents knowing, and yea, that would be impossible. Plus there is nowhere in-state I could do that.

Plus.. I'm not sick enough to go inpatient. That's for sick people. I'm just a stupid girl who likes food but doesn't want to get fat.

Last night my roommate came home from work early and I had a binge of mcdonalds sitting in front of me. I scrambled to hide as much of it as I could.. and then decided to eat the rest in front of her. She asked if I was going to throw it up and I said no. I left the house and was supposed to meet her somewhere pretty soon after. I told her I had to return videos.. and I did.. but I also ended up looking frantically for somewhere to purge. Because I'm just that fucking pathetic.

I don't know what to do if this Psychiatrist won't see me. I tried to be normal but I ended up not eating. I feel so hopeless.

add water - stir