2004-10-28 - 5:03 p.m.

The receptionist for the psychiatrist i was referred to called me back today. A week later. Sorry, she's not accepting new clients.
Am I just not bad enough to desearve treatment? How bad do I have to be?!?

I got choked up while I was saying "yes, fine, ok, I understand.. thanks for calling me" but after I hung up I grabbed a donut and have proceeded to stuff this hollowness with sugar, carbs.. too many calories.

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE WANT TO HELP ME???

They make it seem so easy. Call, get help. Then you'll be better. You just need help.

My therapist goes out of town for 2 weeks tomorrow. I am fucked. By the time she gets back it will have been a month since I broke down and asked for help, and I will not have made a single step of progress.

I want to cry so badly. This will never end. I will just black out and black out and black out.

My days are spent dizzy with low blood pressure. Theres this grey/silver curtain which covers my eyes and pushes me backwards from my forhead.

Apparently no one can help me. I may as well just wait for this to kill me.

add water - stir