2004-10-29 - 8:00 p.m.

Once you tell one person, you want to tell the world. I want to scream out that this is m y pain. Look it at.. look at me. But I won't. I'll stay quiet and keep my secrets. I'm good at keeping secrets.. I've got lots of them.

It keeps snowing, and it's reminding me of last year. I don't want it to be november.. that means it's almost been a year since my twin died. When did so much time pass? I want it to be back then so I can picture him freshly.. so that I can take comfort in the fact that he was alive just a little while ago. What do I do when I've lived more years on this earth without him than with?.. will I even be alive then?

My pants smell like guacamole. I keep spilling. Everything is so messy these days.. my clothes, my hair, the giant purple circles under my eyes which refuse to go away. It's really quite annoying. I feel like the whole world is trying to make me fat.. and all I want to do is stretch out and show my ribs to spite them. Count them bitches, the whole way down my back. Do I look tragic enough yet?
But tragic enough for what?

I get confused. I just want to be small. I just want to be sick enough for someone to finally help me. Maybe I should really start eating less. It's just such a pain to purge small amounts though.

I'm so lost. I need direction. I need freedom.

add water - stir