2004-11-02 - 12:22 a.m.

She yelled at me to put the chips away. "Don't do it!" she yelled. "Just pour yourself a small bowl and eat that..Don't do it!". And all I can do is just make a joke and hope she doesn't notice. I put the bag down and start stuffing handfuls in my face 10mins later.

What am I supposed to do?

I can't get over this feeling like everyone is just trying to make me fatter. And I'm sick of hating myself so much, I just try not to think about it anymore. Like I will start to think about my stomach and then just block myself off.. yes it's disgusting, but no need to pinch it, you know theres lots of fat there. No need to think about it, you've analyzed it far too much already.

She asked if I'd given up, and I never gave an answer. Because really.. what hope is there? The doctors have rejected me. My therapist is out of town so I can't get another referral for a while, and even then.. I don't know if that doctor will be good at treating eating disorders, because there are so few people that actually do in this fucking state.

This fucking state where 60% of the population is on anti-depressants. This fucking state with it's insanely high sexual abuse and rape rates. This fucking state with absurd rates of child abuse and suicide. This fucking state where there is more darkness than light and you can never get warm.

Maybe I just need to move.

add water - stir