2004-11-11 - 12:52 a.m.

It's almost been a month since I've asked for help. I have not taken one step further.. mostly not my fault though. I've fallen into that hole of wanting to get really bad before I get better. I keep telling myself I want to be healthy, but I really don't care. I just want to be skinny.

I just want to lose these 20lbs so I can have wiggle room. Does that make sense?

I found a picture today of when I was at my lowest. I looked so tiny. With my long blonde hair (now chopped and dyed) and small arms and legs curled under me.. my first thought was ballet dancer. The body I always wanted when I was a chubby ballerina.

It makes me so sad to see myself that way and know I don't look like that anymore. I looked so young.. it was about 2 years ago.

I don't even feel like eating anymore. I had to force myself to b/p today because I'm by myself and it's easy. But very little food was appealing, and even then I had to force it down.

My stomach is gurgling. I've almost drank a 12 pack of diet pepsi in 24 hours. None of my clothes fit right.

I just want to be small. I just want to be beautiful. I just want to matter. I want to be significant.
I just want to be free.

add water - stir