2004-11-20 - 4:35 p.m.

I called my therapist yesterday around noon and left a message. She never got back to me. I wonder if she will. If she doesn't I don't know where I will go from there. Seems like the whole thing is hopeless. If no one wants to help me, then maybe there is no problem. If I was bad enough, surely the psychiatrist would have taken me as a patient. The problem is, there are just so few people who actually know anything about eating disorders in this state. There are none listed in the phone book. There are no treatment facilities in the state, just general psych wards.

I need to get my shit straight. I just want to starve and starve and starve. I wasn't going to b/p today, but I had a 180 calorie veggie bowl and felt it sitting in my stomach. So I went out and bought food. Purge. I don't think I'm going to eat for the rest of the day. Last night I got too drunk because there was nothing in my stomach, I could feel it growling as I drove to the party.

I don't know what to do, and I'm running out of the will to keep trying for help.

add water - stir