2004-11-28 - 8:36 p.m.

I keep blacking out. Feeling hollowed out and distant from myself. I was buying diet coke and dog food earlier.. and the cashier asked how I was to which I replied fine. Then she asked me "are you ok?? you look very tired". I tried to muster a smile and said that I was. Before I left she stopped me and told me to take care. Do I really look that bad?

I can't concentrate. I feel so distant all the time. My vision is clouded, and I'm so tired. My legs ache constantly as well.

I haven't weighed myself in a while. I'm too scared to. I haven't been actively trying to lose weight, but I have been purging everything I eat. Right now I'm just trying to get by mentally. It's all about just not getting fat. Although I feel bigger all the time. I guess I'll check it tomorrow, just to keep myself in check. I can never tell anymore, it's all just fat fat fat to me.

A few days ago my roommate told me I hadn't flushed enough the night before. There was bits in the toilet and a "greasy sheen".. that it was "really gross". I could barely say anything. I wanted to hide.. but instead I got in my car and drove myself to buy a sandwich to b/p because I don't know what else to do when I feel like that.

I guess I should talk to my therapist. She called me back last week but I never got back to her. I just don't know what to say to her. Hey, I'm spiralling out of control.. I know you don't think this is a big problem but I don't want to die. I want a fucking life where almost all my time is not consumed by destroying myself. Please help me tell my parents, and destroy their image of me as stable and capeable so that maybe I'll have a slight chance at getting the decent help I need, because you seem so fucking unwilling to do anything for me.
Yes, maybe something like that. I'm starting to realize that her suggestion of IP may not of been that crazy of an idea. I don't see myself breaking the cycle any other way, but then again.. I could never see myself in a hospital. Plus the money thing. My biggest fear would be sucking up that much money and not actually getting better. Then what kind of a loser would that make me?

I started seeing a guy about a week ago. He got drunkenly a little aggressive with me, and I freaked out in my mind. I'm starting to realize that maybe the rape did affect me more than I let myself realize. And I'm starting to wish I wasn't a sexual being at all. Which is weird because I've always loved sex.. it's just that it's starting to seem really dirty to me. I don't know. I'm probably not making sense.

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