2004-12-01 - 12:53 a.m.

As I came out of the bathroom my roommate had a deer in headlights expression on her face. I started babbling about something to try to distract her I walked away and sat down. Less than a minute later she walks into the room. "Did you puke?". I told her yea.. I tried but I couldn't keep down my noodles. Not really the truth.. I didn't try I just couldn't wait any longer for her to go to bed. I'm a loser. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die when she said that. I wanted to slash apart my arms with the biggest knife I could find. I want to harm myself so badly. But I already am.

More weight lost today. Down to bmi 17.1

I told her earlier today how I can't tell my weight anymore and it scares me. To lead into the conversation I asked her how I looked and she said she couldn't tell cause she sees me everyday, but I look too thin.

I don't feel too thin. I feel about a 18.0 bmi honestly.. except for the increasing dizziness and blacking out.. but I meant fatwise. I never called my therapist. I'm a liar with the best intentions. I meant to.. really. I don't know what's stopping me. I'm scared by losing more weight.. but I really want to. Badly. I'm amazed to watch the numbers fall down and not be sure what it is that's doing it.

I've been getting cheast pains a bit. Nothing too big yet, not enough to say anything out loud. And if I were to complain, who would listen?

You do this to yourself.

add water - stir