2004-12-23 - 6:51 a.m.

Yesterday I went to the bathroom and eventhough I was done I felt like I had to keep going. I kind of hurt but didn't think much of it.

When I stood up, the toilet bowl was covered in blood. All along the sides and staining the water red. I felt out of it for a while, but told myself if I got weak, dizzy, pale, etc (well.. more than usual) that I'd get my ass to the er. Fortunatly I've been fine. Not sure what that was about.. I get a little blood most times when I have a bm these days, but never anything like that.

My body is giving up on me perhaps. Does that mean I should too?

Last night I broke down, because of being alone on christmas and feeling like my parents have abandoned me. Being sad that my mom feels like she has to run away.. and knowing that if my brother was still alive we would still be a family.

I am ok today. I have been baking cookies to give out to people and only eaten 2 of them (purged of course).

add water - stir