2005-01-04 - 10:28 a.m.

I am doing better.. althought it is so easy for me to concentrate on the negative, because that is all I see. And I turn the positive into negative.

I've been keeping down "safe" foods. Light yogurt, raw vegetables and fruits. My body fat is down 2%, but I've gained a pound. I don't feel so spacey anymore, but I still black out a lot when I stand up.. limbs still fall asleep a lot.

I've slowly found myself b/ping. Once a day for the past few days, I've already puked twice today and it's only 10:30am.

Bulimia is turning me into a liar. I absolutely despise lying.. but I don't want to hurt my best friend. She thinks I'm doing so well. She sees me eat and it makes her so happy. She tells me she's proud of me and it hurts that much more.

Thing is.. I can't do this. I can't be fat. I can not love this body if the skin is soft and thick with fat.

add water - stir