2005-01-14 - 6:51 a.m.

I told my therapist how I have been trying to keep down healthy food. She told me it was amazing I made it 2 days without b/ping. She asked me if I realized how big that was.. but I can't. Normal people do that everyday.

I feel so lost. My joints hurt from the cold when it gets down to 0 degrees. I am uncomfortable in class because the chairs are so hard. This didn't used to happen so much, I know it must be from the drop in weight. I look at myself in the mirror and I know I look gross. Bones with fat sagging off of them. I know I don't look attractive, I can't fill out any of my shirts anymore.. (like I really could much to begin with..) and all of my pants are so saggy in the butt. I realize how gross I look, but as soon as that number gets higher, I can't deal with it. As soon as I start to feel thicker I loath myself.

It's not the looks, it's the feeling. Thickness under my skin, I can't stand it. I don't know what to do. I can't see any answers.

I don't expect anyone to understand. I barely understand myself.

And still I wish I was smaller. Why do I have to take up so much space? Why do I have to look like a freak to be this small?

I have an appointment to get on meds in a week and a half. This means in the next week I have to have a talk with my parents about insurance.. if I'm still on it, if they even have it now that my father is retired.

"hold us high
hold a sigh
don't let us die before the springtime"

add water - stir