2005-01-25 - 6:20 a.m.

I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist today. Was kind of weird to talk to someone new about all my behaviors so openly, my past.. my family. Weird.

She asked me if I want to get better. I meagerly nodded. I told her I'm trying. I have reduced purging and everything, the truth is I really just want to stop the purging. It's expensive and degrading. I want to like myself enough to just not eat much. I know that won't make sense to many people.. but it does to me.

She asked me if I realized that I'm very medically underweight. I just kind of shrugged at her. I told her I don't feel underweight. I feel too big for myself. She told me weight gain is normally the part people can't handle. The reason so many people relapse.

I'm not really going to tell myself that this is me getting better. This is me giving a shot though. This is me trying to feel better mentally.

This is me with an official bulimia nervosa diagnosis.
This is me starting on Prozac.

I can't afford a psychiatrist though. $300 plus prescription fees. I don't even have a fucking job yet. The insurance deal is iffy. And I really don't want to talk to my mother about it. Although it sucks because if the insurance pays me back any money it will most likely be sent to my parents since they hold the policy.

Argh. I go back in 3 weeks to see how I'm doing and up the dose. She said I'll need a pretty high one, but that the side effects can suck because of the low weight.

We'll see.

add water - stir