2005-02-11 - 9:27 p.m.

Valentines day...

I saw my psychiatrist again today. Everytime I go in there she says over and over how tired I look. She doubled my dose of prozac and told me it might make me a little bit more tired. Great.

Thing is.. the first time I went into her office I was really tired. Exhausted really. This time I had felt really together and pretty alert. But she still thought I looked like shit. I shouldn't have told her I lost any weight.. she told me that was "very bad". She also made a comment about the dark purple rings under my eyes.

I told her I'd think about seeing a dietician. I won't see one though.. I already know this about myself. I wish I could just stop eating all together and forget about all this crap. It would be so much easier.

I'm going to try and start myself on a vitamin regiment so I don't look like such crap. I bought flaxseed oil capsules to help with my hair and skin (and possibly bingeing urges.. but I'll have to test this out to see first), and calcium chews. Which honestly.. I'll probably quit taking cause I get scared of the calories, or give to my roommate. But I figured I'd at least try to do this. I'm also going to start trying to take my multivitamin and iron pills everyday (for anemia), and perhaps even my b-12 once and a while so I'll quit bruising so easily.

It sounds so nice. To put myself on a regiment and look better. To not purge for at least a couple hours a day because I at least have to keep these down. Part of me wants to say that they'll be enough. That if I take enough pills I won't need food at all.

It's pretty pathetic.

add water - stir