2005-03-03 - 8:27 a.m.

I'm lost.

I say that I'm trying, but really I'm dragging my toes feeling cheated. I want to be normal but not have any of the consequences. When did health become a consequence?

I'm afraid of being fat, of having this one thing I can do right taken away from me. And I keep telling myself if I can just control my intake I can work this thing.. But I can't. It's too hard to just switch into that mode. Everyone things I love food, because they've seen me eat so much. They just never see me flush it away. I have this theory that everyone who has a "great metabolism" is really just bulimic.. or exercises like crazy. Yesterday I ate a "normal" amount and I feel absolutely disgusting today.

My stomach is stretched to capacity. Intestines full of digesting food, I'm tempted to take lax. I don't know where I am anymore. I have no plan.. no direction.

I keep telling them I'm trying.. but am I? What am I trying for, anyway?

I've been having chest pains lately. And weird palpitations sometimes. I haven't told anyone because I know the reaction it will get. Everyone tries to feed me. I wish I could say no.

I haven't checked my weight in about 4 days. I'm too scared to after yesterday. The water retention and bloat would probably traumatize me. I wish I could just say no.

add water - stir