2005-03-29 - 4:07 p.m.

I've been out of town.. gaining weight. Back to losing now.

I spent an hour and a half at the gym yesterday, am going to try and match that again today. I'm so sick of taking up so much space, and working out is a lot more acceptable than puking. My therapist told me to be careful not to switch one addiction for another, but I told her I was too lazy for that. Which she laughed at. Now I want to show her.

I've puked twice already today.. I'm so tired. My roommate says she thinks I'm getting worse. Because I told her I had gained 5lbs on vacation. "are you really trying to lose it?" she asked me. Stunned I didn't know what to reply. Of course.. that's what you do when you gain weight.. right? I didn't really answer her. A bmi of 17.3 is really not acceptable.

I told my therapist I feel like giving up. I want to tell everyone I'm doing better, cancel all my appointments and just return to my private hell. Because maybe this is just the way things are supposed to be. Maybe this is me.

I just want to forget about it really. But for now, I think I'll just run on a machine that never gets me anywhere. Good enough analogy?

add water - stir