2005-04-06 - 7:53 a.m.

I skipped therapy this week. To b/p and nap. I didn't have it in me to go.. she still hasn't called me. I'm guessing it wasn't that big a loss.

My psychiatrist talked me into getting a physical. When I went in it was really weird how they treated me.. sort of.. fragile I guess. I don't know, like they were handling me with care. I was caught offguard because the first thing the nurse did was take my weight, but she wouldn't let me see my weight.

Then she took an orthostatic (I think that's what it's called?) bloodpressure, and wouldn't let me see what she wrote for that either. She covered the numbers with a sticky note.

When the dr came in ( who was freaking TINY) it took her almost an hour to take my history. She wanted to know all behaviors, physical symptoms, past sexual abuse, substance abuse.. everything. Near the end of her questioning she asked me what I hoped to get out of this.. and I wanted to shout "you tell me.. at least I got myself here!" but I told her the truth.. I wanted to show my psychiatrist that I wasn't going to keel over anytime soon.

After all of that we only had time to take a ton of blood, a urine sample and do an ekg. From what I saw on the sheet I'm getting a lipid panel, a general health screen and something else I couldn't read done on my blood. I really hope the urinalysis wasn't to look to see if I had lied to her about doing drugs.. because I did. I don't do many drugs recently.. just a little pot and muscle relaxers to calm me down.. I didn't really feel like getting scolded for it.

I have to go in next week so she can actually give me a physical look over, and a pelvic (dreading this.. never had one before.. but supposedly she's had experience with people who have been sexually abused before and whatnot) she said she's also probably going to put me on some meds that reduce stomach acid production so I'm more comfortable when I do keep food down (hah.. not much lately) and probably birthcontrol pills too.

So far it seems like my insurance will cover this, but If I go back and they make me settle the bill because my insurance won't cover it, then I will have no choice but to tell my parents because I wouldn't be able to pay rent next month if I payed for it. The ekg and all the labs and everything cost over $600 but thankfully I only had to pay $20.

I don't even know where I'm going with all of this. Why am I paying all this money when I can't get myself to just fucking stop?!?!

My psychiatrist says she will do everything she can to help me without sending me to a hospital.. but it may come down to that. She always sounds so sad when she talks to me. In sort of a quiet tone.. like she pity's me.

My roommate talked to me last night about this stuff and she says it seems like I'm purging more. I told her I've actually gotten it down to less times a day, and she said "yea.. but you're not eating very much"

It seems like theres no winning. Ever.

add water - stir