2005-04-08 - 12:36 p.m.

I have the rest of my physical tomorrow.. I'm dreading it. I can't really stand the idea of anyone touching me right now.

Sometime yesterday it hit me how hideously fat I am. While wrestling around with my boyfriend yesterday my shirt pulled up and all I could see was the gelatinous rolls. I almost ripped down a picture of my roommate and I from halloween a couple years ago, because my stomach is showing. My horrible fat stomach. It looked so disgusting there, I can't believe anyone let me wear that out.

Last night my boyfriend cooked me dinner. I was going to try and be good, respect his food. But after I ate my stomach hurt really badly, and when I told him he put his hand on his stomach and said "is it the guilt feeling?" and it made me want to sink in a hole.. no! it just fucking hurt like knives stabbing into me.

I stayed up to work on my paper while he went to bed and I purged pretty soon after he layed down.

I'm such a horrible person.

I'm really glad that this school project will be over today. It's been taking up all of my time. Now I'll be able to start losing weight again.

add water - stir