2005-04-08 - 9:08 p.m.

I just got back from my physical.. it only took an hour and a half this time.

They weighed me backwards again. But this time I had to take off my purse and sweatshirt as well as my shoes. They took another orthostatic blood pressure.

I guess my blood pressure is ok, but my heart is not. my resting heartrate is 50, but when I stood up for 2 mins it raised to 80 to compensate "so you won't faint". Hey.. if my body wants to stop me from fainting, I'm not going to stop it! but apparently that's a bad sign. I also lost weight since last week and my dr is concerned. She said it was a "dramatic" loss and that I was now in a weight range where I'm not supposed to exercise (yea.. right). She says if my weight drops that much again by next week she is going to recommend hospitilization.

Fuck that.

She also wants me to see a nutritionist and a gastroenterologist. She gave me phone numbers but I really don't think I'll be calling them. In fact.. I may not go see her after next week.

I'm so sick of this all.. why did I try to get help? I don't have the money for this.. Obviously I won't get better until I can help myself.

add water - stir