2005-04-21 - 1:50 p.m.

When I went to the dr yesterday she said my blood pressure and pulse was looking better, my weight has stabilized ( I lost 2lbs since yesterday.. haha). I'm doing ok, what do I want out of these visits? I told her all I ever wanted was to show my psychiatrist I wasn't going to keel over. So I didn't make an appointment for next week. What's the point? I proved myself. I really can't afford the copay at this time, especially when I'm paying in full for my psychiatrist.

My roommate says it's giving up. But I don't know, I think it's more of realizing that I need to do this on my own. Paying people to watch me like a child will not make me act like an adult.

What may be giving up is the fact that I haven't seen my therapist in over 2 weeks. I skipped that one session and expected her to call me a few days later like she normally does.. but I got nothing. So I haven't bothered to call her. Selfish and juvinile I suppose, but it's the way I play the game.

Things are getting harder. I didn't shower for 4 days.. it was too much effort. I finally got myself clean today, after 2 b/p's.

Last night my boy bought me thai food. I kept it down.. and then about 3 hours later I was crouched at the toilet while it violently came up on it's own. Things like that make me wonder why I bother. I started shaking pretty hard, and when I looked at myself in the mirror I was ghost white with big purple circles around my eyes. I grabbed a 50cal pre-packaged applesauce and ate it on the bathroom floor to try and stop my heart from beating so hard. I ended up sleeping on the couch with a trashcan next to me because I didn't want to bother my boy.

Things are such a mess.

add water - stir