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2006-08-03 - 8:24 p.m. It's been 8 months. I wonder if anyone still looks. Honestly I had forgotten the address, the password. If I wrote my life out it would seem unbelievable. Fiction at it's worst. I couldn't think of anywhere to put my current thoughts as they run so strong and dark, then I remembered this place which I figured had been erased. I never got better. Is it really a surprise? Well.. I should say I did get a bit better, but never healed. My best friend went to the wedding of the man that raped me. I see the pictures and I feel disgusting. The girl he married thinks of me as a friend but I can't get myself to ever be around when she is. She's one of my other friends ex-girlfriends. And it makes me think this town is just way too small. I suppose you want the big news... I'm pregnant. Almost 5 months. Already showing and with a gain of 15 pounds. I want to say it was an easy transition to eating healthfully, but to tell the truth I still struggle with it. The weight gain is the hardest to cope with. I understnad the larger reason and know if I keep reminding myself that I will be able to pull through and have a healthy baby. How could I live with myself if I jepordized a childs life? I'm lonely. My boyfriend is unreliable and has been out of town all summer. I feel like killing myself often but know it wouldn't be fair. I don't know whether it's hormones or my personality. I know I'm at extreme high risk for post-pardum depression. I worked full time until may when I started school, and cut it down to 30 hours a week while going to school full time. I'm down to 20 now. I don't know where the summer went. I didn't have days off until June, and ever since I have had one day off a week. I didn't get to go camping or hiking, and was way too tired or sick to really do much of anything with my friends. I feel like I've been running a marathon, but the end is not even in site. I'm trying to keep my head up. And I swear in person I sound much more optimistic.
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