2007-12-01 - 9:08 p.m.

It's been a year.

I can't stay away.. it never stays away.

I did great. I was the picture of health. I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy and we struggled with breastfeeding.. but he got it eventually.
Life is ironic. He has multiple food allergies. I had to severely restrict my diet from his allergens so he could be healthy. 13 foods I had to cut out. Major food groups such as dairy and meat, as well as most grains. I wish I could say the weight fell off, but it didn't. However it slowly left me. I did well with the diet, as hard as it was, I was able to do it because it was for my child, and he is worth it.

The problem started after I weaned him. All these foods came back. Scary foods. What if I gained back the weight I had lost?

Do you see where this is going?

I always close the door. Never let him watch me in the bathroom. But I listen to him whine at the door as I'm bent over the bowl and my heart breaks.

My aspirations these days are not for a super skinny body. I don't have time for that. I just.. don't know anymore. If I keep busy enough I forget to eat and then there's no problem, but that's not a good answer to this.

I will get it together, but some days it is hard for me to even see it as a problem. So little thought goes into it anymore. Far gone are the days where food was all that I thought about. Rejection is my natural reaction to food. I guess that sounds sad.

add water - stir